At this juncture in the story, I was really coming to terms with how the life force is affected by trauma. This burgeoning knowledge caused me to grapple with feelings of guilt and shame with having forgotten a traumatic event on Jordan’s timeline.
I was so surprised to find out that the body never forgets what has transpired historically both physically and emotionally. It actually seems to keep a rolodex of this knowledge in its cellular memory and by going back in time, the body just keeps offering up the next event to be treated sequentially every 28 days!
Perhaps you’ve intuited this phenomenon yourself. Have you ever felt that something deeper is, or was, not addressed because other events are sort of piled on top of it? The burden of it all just getting heavier and heavier over time.
I’ve had patients say that they were trying to process grief around a loss when a huge move occurred, or a slew of requirements at work came up, or a death in their husband’s family suddenly occurred, breaking the capacity for coming to terms with the frayed ends of their feelings. The natural resolution suddenly seems circumvented as your life force gets yanked into a whole other tide of culminating feelings. Chaos ensues!
This was also a phenomenon for me through the process of healing. As Jordan started to get healthier and healthier, my mind and body were naturally beginning to take stock of my personal life. You probably know by now that I had a horrible self-image and that I hadn’t even thought to be intimate with my own thoughts or feelings for the last few years.
This gesture of self-abandonment was also showing up as a symptom in my marriage. We’d forgone intimacy mentally, emotionally and physically for such a length of time that we were practically strangers to one another. We kind of regarded each other as survivalists who’d loved to have voted each other off this island of former terror and chaos. We had no clue on what basis to reconnect.
It was a horrible feeling to realize that the scaffolding of the relationship may not have been able to weather the Autism storm. We both looked like deer caught in the PTSD headlights. We didn’t have any clue how to reconnect or on what basis? Have you ever had this sick feeling of what might be necessary in choosing your own health and well-being over another’s?
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