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Chapter 14 : Constitutions and Love

There is often a common theme in Autism Spectrum children that is missed — that is, the resonance, romance and love between the parents as a couple. In a high number of cases we serve, the Autistic child becomes the “pet project,” more specifically for the mother, making the child the more alpha relationship in their lives. This misplaced focal point is often to the serious detriment of the partnership with their beloved, the child’s Father. Very often, the Father will feel reduced more to a “donor” than a lover or husband, a second class citizen in the whole family matrix.

Most Moms of Autistic babes will have convinced themselves that this is a necessary function for attempting to “fix” their child’s spectrum ills. It’s a skewed reversal of the old Oedipal complex. It is also part of the belief structure, though, that actually keeps the child mired in a looping OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) pattern so intrinsic to the Autism Spectrum. It is a form of this neurotic rerun, though, that is a part of the phenomenon that keeps the child pinioned in his own repeating patterns.

Resonant sex and intimacy has a natural capacity for discharging neurosis, anger, resentment, grief and fear. Dr. Wilhelm Reich called the results of this healthy communion the four beat cycle; tension, charge, discharge and relaxation. When it is not occurring with appropriate regularity, the child will feel the charge and tension loops as incomplete in their own organism, and will show up as OCD cycles — charge and then tension, charge and then tension, charge and then tension with no logical discharge or relaxation achieved.

The parents will unknowingly drive this ill-patterned dysfunction, thwarting the child’s capacity for natural unfolding through the discharge and the logical conclusion of relaxation through their own psychotic and neurotic anxieties. Our children can only be as healthy as we are, for the most part. Where we’re limited, they will mirror the same limits. For thousands of years, Eastern Medicine has called this karma.

How do I know this? Because I lived the before and after phenomenon and then subsequently researched the phenomenon to answer why this is, why it’s set up this way. Way back, before I’d lived the “The Path to Cure,” I had completely dismissed my son’s Father and his input and out of the most primal guilt thinking that my family’s genes had caused his Autism. I became this crazed, self-blaming, condemned, woman hell-bent on fixing Jordan’s issues as a means to attempting to rescue myself from my own neurotic plight. It was a recipe for disaster! I was not properly threaded through my own sexual function and was suffering my own chronic diseases as a result.

The problem was that by making Jordan the alpha-pup instead of my intimate relationship with his Father, I was jumping the queue with regards to natural love and grace. We all know what happens if a human being makes a dog the alpha relationship in the home. They will start chasing their tail, eating their own stool, scooting with parasites (parasites victimize hosts due to undischarged anger), and acting aggressively. Sound familiar? Watch reruns of Cesar Milan is you’re not sure of what I’m suggesting here.

I bet you’re scratching your head in wonder around this phenomenon and asking yourself why. While I’d love nothing more to discuss this with you after you’ve read my second book, “Unfolding The Essential Self; From Rage to Orgastic potency”, or to spend days lecturing about these relationship dynamics, here’s a short version of the reason: Basically, the model of healthy family dynamics must be upheld for children to naturally unfold their essential selves naturally. We hold the healthy container for them. (See also Bert Hellinger’s work on family constellations).

A child needs to know that they are the result of a loving, intimate, sexually potent, and fully generative union. It is a vessel, a chamber that creates safety, equilibrium, ease, grace and the natural capacity to unfurl their natural selves within. What happens a lot in Spectrum kids is that this fully bonded and unified front breaks down and the child becomes the object of all the mother’s affection, fears, and misplaced and broken sexuality. It is a projection of the crippled relationship. It is also why many of these hobbled relationships in the cases of Autistic children often don’t last. While the divorce rate in families with healthy families average about 13 percent, families with Autistic kids tends to be almost double.

Do you recall in The Path To Cure when Jordan peeled all of his clothes off in my Heilkünstler’s office? Do you also recall my moment of surprise and that I innocently asked her, “Why is he stripping down naked?” Do you remember her reply to me? It went something like this, “Jordan will put his clothes back on when his parents relearn how to take theirs off.” I’ll never forget the feeling or the impact her words had on me that day. My life since then has been about sussing out the reason for why this is. I’ve explored this both experientially as well as in my postgraduate research.

So, what does a healthy, resonant relationship look like? Which pairings of homeopathic constitutional types tend to have a natural affinity for a resonant relationship? Find out by joining me in listening to this week’s chapter on The Constitutions and Love.

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Published inHeilkunstParentingRecovery

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