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Chapter 6 – Jordan’s final effort to ‘hang on’

As we round the corner into Chapter 6, this week, you may be feeling some of the angst and frustration that I was.  A friend of mine had read my book when it was first released in paperback.  He surprisingly said he read it standing up, all in one go, while standing at his kitchen counter.  He had MS and walked with a cane, so this is saying quite a lot.  Also, he counselled me that each copy of the book should come with a box of kleenex.

It’s true, I’d never felt so alone or forsaken.  My family accused me of allowing Jordan to rule the family roost and that they had higher expectations of me as a person as I used to exhibit such capable qualities when I was younger.  They even asked what was wrong with me and why I’d changed so much to become so weak, allowing my son to be clearly in charge?  These comments struck deep, as hurtful as they were, I knew they were right.  I just couldn’t seem to leverage all the grief, fear, bitterness, resentment, shame and guilt that now defined me.  It was like a plague … I was literally stimming with it all internally.

I know after having served other “Autism Moms” for many years, now, that we share a common bond.  Our stories are actually very similar, I’ve found.  I’ve often wondered what the underlying meaning is behind this state of mind and if it relates somehow as a phenomenon in our autistic babe’s plight.  What if because I was not able to fully actualize myself that this was also contributing to Jordan’s inability to download an identity of his own?  His lining up of his cars, his lack of feeling, and his rage-filled outbursts seemed to have some qualities of the suppressed content I’d come to successfully keep under wraps.  Was there a connection?

In this chapter, you’ll see a small window of hope finally become a door. Little did I know at the time that I was embarking on a chapter in my life so monumental that nothing would ever look or feel the way that it did prior.  I’d never felt such terror and hope all in the same breath.
In Chapter 6, I am introduced to a different kind of homeopathy called “Heilkunst”.

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